hi/ Donna (ma)
mornin babe saying i miss you doesn't even come close to how much i miss you. i think about you every second of every day. i still so angry and hurt and i don't think that will ever change i feel so lost without you. i still expect you to come walking thru the door to take the car and ask for money i will you could come home i love and miss you so very much Close
Ten Months / Lisa (sister)
Well, I figured since I've made a post markinng each month that I should probably do another one today! It has been ten extremely long months since you have been gone. Yet, life seems to go on and people seem to continue on with their lives. We're finally finalizing the adoption and I wish so much that you were here for that. I know that you will be celebrating with us.
Things haven't gotten any easier. I still cry, a lot. I miss you terribly and think about you every day. Every time I go to Mom & Dad's house I expect for you to come upstairs to tell me about your latest adventures. Then I realize that you're not coming and that you will never come up those stairs again. It's so hard to accept and deal with that. Saturday was a really bad day for me as you could tell! I showed up at the cemetery crying hysterically to the point where I couldn't breathe. Those poor people must think I'm insane!! We both know that they are probably right!
Well little brother, I must head off to bed. I shall talk to you in the morning. I love you B. Good Night. Close
hi/ Donna (ma)
hey babe its abeen a rough week i miss you so very much well tomorrow i go and take a look at your stone to make sure it looks ok i guess i have to face the fact that your not on vacation and that you are never coming home now that your stone is being made i don't want to face that it hurts to much i can get thru the day if i think someday you will come home but to go your vacation home and see your face looking back at me is somthing i can't do i love you and miss you more than words can say Close
missing you / Donna (mom)
hey babe i know its been awhile. nothing changes i miss you more than words can ever describe. the trial starts oct 19th. and i'm not looking forward to that. you are my first thought in the morning and my last thought at nite and every second in between everytime i see your picture i have to fight back the tears cuz i don't want to fall apart in front of dad. it hurts so much not to have you around and i don't know how i'm supossed to live the rest of my life with out my baby boy i thank god for your sisters and nieceand nephews cuz i know i would have lost it the day i lost you have to get ready for work i will always love and miss you for the rest of my life all my love Close
hey B.. its been so long since ive been on here.. i still cant imagine your gone.. its been so hard without you... thinking about you everyday and it helps to talk to you.. even tho i cant hear you talking back.. i miss you so much! i cant stand the pain .. its just so hard to think that you will never be with me.. the pain is still so fresh! i remember it like im looking at you right now.. i can still describe the way you looked that night as if i was looking at you right now.. i hate knowing that .. that was the last time i saw you.. i hold all the pain and anger in.. and try not to let it bother me.. but thinking about you everyday.. knowing that i will never see you again is soo hard.. your my little brother and you shouldnt have gone so soon... i ask myself why it had to be you all the time! it just isnt fair! in order to see you i have to look at a fucking picture and to talk to you.. i just talk out loud like your right next to me .. hoping you can hear me.. and to spend time with you i have to go to the dam cemetary.. it just isnt fair and i hate it sooo much!! Kristas helping me out alot.. i talk to her all the time about everything.. shes a really good friend! she misses you alot too! well i have to go and put the boys to bed.. so i will talk to u later! goodnite B
LOOOVING AND MISSING YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW!
always in my thoughts and forever in my heart! god i miss you B!! untile we meet again... xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxooxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
As some of you know, after they were able to process everything that had happened, my parents had purchased a plot at the cemetery and were planning to have B moved once the plot was all set. I have been informed that it is official - my brother was moved into his final resting place on June 27th. We will be having a ceremony to bless his new and final resting place, but I do not have a date yet. If you are interested in attending the ceremony, please send me an e-mail.
If you have been to visit B since the funeral you will be able to find him now because he was moved a couple of spaces over to the left. All of his belongings (minus the journal/cards and container) have been moved as well so you shouldn't have a problem finding him. I hope to replace the container (Again!!) with one that will keep the flood of rain we have had out! If you have any questions about where he was moved to, why he was moved, or anything, let me know.
hi/ Donna (mom)
hey hun i know its been awhile but nothing has changed i love and miss you so much the pain never ease up well we survived our first camping trip without you and it sucked so much i so wanted you so be there its been 9 months and it feel like only yesterday you were taken from us and it not fair i hate not being able to see you talk to you or even fight with you i love and miss you and that will never change and feeling robbed wont change no matter what happens. unfortunatly life goes on and i hate that your life wont Close
Nine Months / Lisa (sister)
Today marks 9 long months B. Nine months of saddness, heartache, and pain. I miss you so very much. It hasn't gotten any easier. No matter how many books I read, songs I listen to, or hours I spend talking about what happened I am still so sad. Selena left for Florida today. Watch over my baby while she's on her vacation Uncle B. I know she is in good hands. I just wonder what will hold me together while she is gone. She is the glue that keeps me from falling apart. I miss her already and she's only been gone for half an hour. She's not even at the airport yet. That little girl is my whole life B. I know that you already know that. I'm sure you will have a great view of all the fireworks from up there!! I can imagine is a pretty great view. I hope that you are doing well where you are and I hope it is the paradise we were told it was. Well, I suppose I'm going to watch the news since I have nothing better to do! I love you and I miss you so very much.
Hi B! / Lisa (sister)
So, do you like your new home? I'm sure that you are much more comfortable there. Don't worry, we're on the ball and your stone should be up soon. I think that you will like it. I met with Ashleigh yesterday. We chatted and she is doing good B. She miss you just like the rest of us. It's so hard for us B. We know that you wouldn't want for us to be upset, but we just miss you so much. How do we go through each day and not be so saddened by the fact that you are not here? I haven't figured that out yet. I had a bad day yesterday. I cried pretty much all day. Those days come and go. They are not as often as they used to be, but they still come more than I would like for them to. I know that you wouldn't want me to cry and be sad, but I just miss you so much. There are so many things that I didn't get to say and so many things we didn't get to do. It's really hard. Ashleigh gave me some of your school papers. It's nice to have them, but I cried my whole way home yesterday just looking at your handwriting and reading your papers made me sad and it made me laugh. You always managed to pull the most random stuff out of your ass in school!! I heard this song on my way home yesterday and I have no idea what the name of it is or who sings it but it goes like this ... where'd you go I miss you so Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone where'd you go I miss you so seems like forever that you've been gone please come back home
I wish so badly that you could just come back home, but I know that you can't. I know that if you could find a way you would. I know that you do come by and that you are not really that far away, but I wish I could just see you, talk to you, hug you, tell you how much I love you. I just miss you so much and my heart feels so sad and I don't know how to change that. Close
So I was driving back to my parents house yesterday afternoon and (I thought) I passed you in traffic... again. I actually said out loud 'Oh look, there's JR - I bet he's on his way home!' Jess and Ryan must have thought I was completely retarded. Who ever the poor kid is that rides that motorcycle must think I'm a friggin' psycho - everyime I see him, I think that it's you and wave and yell... then it hits me that you're not here anymore. What the hell?!
Well anyhow, I thought I'd pop in and say hello... you were on my mind all the rest of the day. I hope you're at peace where ever you are -- keep an eye on the family, they miss you immeasurably! I miss you too, ya little sh*t! :o)
Father's Day / Lisa (sister)
Today is going to be another very difficult day for all of us. You know Dad. You were his favorite .. we all knew that. We accepted it and we got used to it. You were his boy. You were his best friend. Today is going to be very hard for him and for us as well. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you .. we don't miss you ... we don't wish you were still here with us. I know that you are still with him, but could you just make sure that he knows that today? We all know that sometimes, we're not the brigtest crayons in the box!! Sometimes we miss what is right in front of us. He misses you so so much B. It breaks my heart to see him so sad. I think that this has been the most difficut for him. He is the one that has taken this the hardest. We were all there with you the night you left us. Dad held you in his arms until you were gone and even then he didn't want to let you go. He still doesn't, none of us do. It's so hard to accept that you are gone. He will never let you go I know that with all of my being. I also know that he is just so very sad all of the time B. You know how Dad was always the tough one? The one who never cried, never let us know that he was upset? That has all changed now. He is a different person now. A giant piece of him and his heart lies with you and it always will. I just hope that somehow it doesn't hurt as much ..... someday. I don't forsee that happening though. I know just how much I miss you and I know that Dad must miss you a million times more than I do.
Just remind him that you are not far from all of us. Remind him of all the great memories and to try and celebrate the fact that we got to spend almost 20 years with you rather than dwelling on the fact that you are gone. It seems near impossible to do that! You were such a HUGE part of his life. Just remind him that you will always be with him. Make sure you visit him often to remind him. I wouldn't mind you visiting me either!
I love you little brother. I always have, always will. You are always in mind thoughts & forever in my heart. I miss you.
hi/ Donna (mom)
hey babe i know its been awhile but nothing ever changes i miss you so much i can't stand it i still expect you to walk thru the door and ask for the keys to the car or for money i love you so much and miss you even more than words could ever say all my love and forever Close
Eight Months / Lisa (sister)
So, today marks eight months since you've been gone. Can you believe that? It's still so crazy to me that I will never see you again. So, I am forced to try and remember the good memories that I have of you since I was robbed of the opportunity to make new memories with you. Do you remember the summer you lived with me at Grampa's house? Do you remember the time you called me in the middle of the night because you were locked out? Do you remember the time you slept in my car because you were locked out? HA HA HA!! My heart is still heavy and so very sad that you are gone. The pain hasn't lifted nor has it gotten any easier. I think that I know that it never will, but I really want to believe that by some miracle this pain will someday get easier to deal with and wont' hurt as much as it does every day.
I will try not to cry too much today. I will try to remember the good times and not the night that I had to say good-bye to you. Although I must admit that night is much fresher in my mind and I have to try really hard to block it out and remember the good times. To remember the times that you weren't black, blue & swollen. Its hard to remember what it was like before all of this happened. It's so hard B ... I don't know if I can do it. I try so hard to make you proud and to live my life enjoying each and every moment just like you did, but I guess you were just much better at that than I am. It's so hard for me to be happy and not wish you were here to share in my happiness.
I just don't know .. I don't know how to feel or how to act. I don't know how to deal with all of this pain. I don't know how I'm supposed to go on with my life like all of this didn't change who I am and how I feel. A part of me left with you that night and it will always be with you but I wish so much that you were here to argue and fight with me. To just sit with me ... to teach me to play asshole (and make stupid rules that I brake!) .. to make me laugh ... to piss me off (you did that SO well). I just miss you so much. I just want you to come back.
I just know that I miss you so so much and that I love you. I think of you every second of every day. There is never a minute that goes by that you are not with me. I hope that you can see that.
it's been a while / Kritta
Heyy babyface...i just want to tell you how much i love you and miss you!! like last night, i still have those days where this WHACKS me in the face and i cant control my emotions. i think i'll always have days like that. so how funny is it that cara randomly found those old pics of us?? we look so goofy...that night you, craig, mike, and i dont remember if anyone else was there snuck into her basement. cara and i were laughing because how could we not have gotten caught? like alllll those times you and mike would come into my computer room through the window at like 3am..awww. i miss those days more than i can express. it seemed like life was hard then, but damn our lives were so great!! we had so much fun all the time and were so carefree..and i just miss that so much. i love you and miss you so so so much. xoxo Close
So, this weekend was Memorial Day weekend and we had the traditional family bbqs which were fun, but sucked at the same time. Today, Mom & Dad had a BBQ at their house. Crystal, Kory, Kameron, Tylar, Sylvan, Michelle & their crew, Dana, Jimmy, April, Sandra & her boyfriend, Bubba, Josh, Milton, Mike, Megan, Keith, Carol, Gram, Papa, Mom, Dad, Lacey, Selena & I were all there. The only one who was missing was you. Do you have any idea how much it sucks to be constantly reminded that someone we love SO much can't be here with us? Well, it really really sucks. We had SO much food. They got hamburgers, hot dogs, kielbasa, ribs, steak, chicken, potatoe salad, macaroni salad, and regular salad. Mom & Dad also bought one of those inflatable pools. It's 3 1/2 ft deep so the kids were loving it! It was freezing!! Tylar refused to get out even though his lips were chattering because he was so cold. Crystal had to remove him from the pool and you can guess how well that went over! Kameron, on the other hand, wasn't as brave as Tylar and stayed clear of the freezing ice cold pool! They also had badminton. Jimmy kept getting excited and hitting the birdies too hard. Lacey & I went to Target and got a 6 pack of birdies and sure enough Jimmy kept knocking the little rubber ball off the bottom of them. That boy is such a nut! I'm sure you were enjoying the show. I know that you were there with us today, but it doesn't make it any easier. I really really miss you. I made a cross for Mom & Dad to put in the front yard. I don't know if they are going to just stick it in the ground or if they will nail it to the tree, but I'm hoping Mom will get rid of that sad looking ribbon. I know that she won't get rid of the ribbon though, even though it is all worn and torn from the weather. She stil can't deal with the fact that you are gone. I don't think that I have either. I still can't believe that you are not here. I can't believe that I will never see you again. I know that you are gone and I know that you are not on vacation or that you are not coming back, but it is still very hard to accept. I miss your laugh and your big bright smile. I know that I took you for granted while you were here and I regret that more than anything I have ever done in my lifetime. I promise you to not do that again. Well, I have to go make dinner and get Selena ready for bed. After all she has school tomorrow. I love you B and I promise I'll be by to visit you soon.
another hurdle / Donna (mom)
hey babe, well another court date came and went yesterday, but this time we were told its time to go to trial and I don't want to have to sit in court and listen to the police reports and coronor's report . I just wish this was all over so maybe we can start healing, but I don't think we willl ever get to start to heal. I miss you so very much and that will never change. I'm very angry that this is being dragged out. Do they think that we will just let it go and not want justice for you? What if the shoe was on the other foot? I've decided that I don't care about anybody's feelings but my own family's and the hell with everybody elses! They don't seem to care how we feel so why should I care about how they feel. Close
Well it's that time of year again. The warm weather is starting to arrive. You know how that is in our family. It means weekend trips to Rietta, camping, family bbqs, vacations, etc. It's so crazy to think that life goes on even though you are not here. I feel guilty that we all keep doing our daily things going to work, making dinner, etc and you are not here to do those things with us. I know that you wouldn't want for me to change anything or for me to stop living my life. I just don't understand how I'm supposed to go on every day continuing with life when you were robbed of the ability to do the same. It's not fair. I never thought that our family would have to go through something like this. I remember at your funeral sitting there and it felt like I was having an out of body experience because I just couldn't believe what was happening. Even as I sat there greeting all the people that came to pay their respects I couldn't believe that it was actually happening and that you were really gone. It's just an insane idea that I am never going to see you again or hear your voice or see your big smile. You know that saying "you never know what you've got until it's gone"? Well, it's true. I took you for granted. You were my little brother and I always thought that you would be here for me. I never thought that I would have to go a single day without talking to you or seeing your face. Now, I am left with the images that haunt me. Images of the last time I saw you. I wish so badly that I didn't have those images as the last ones. You have no idea how much it sucks to have those last memories of you because they cloud all the good memories that I have. I wish that I could remember your face without all the trauma that it suffered. I keep asking myself when this will all be over and when we'll finally be able to start the process of accepting what happened and attempting to move on with our lives. I know that nothing will ever be the same and I know that the pain will never go away. I also know that not a day will go by that I don't miss you, cry for you, and wish you were still here. I hope that someday I will be able to look at your pictures and smile instead of cry. I hope that someday I will be able to talk to your neice and nephews about you without crying so that they won't forget what a wonderful Uncle they had. I hope that someday I will be able to stop thinking about the brother I lost and start thinking about the brother I got to spend almost 20 years with. I know that these things won't happen any time soon, but I hope that eventually I am able to do them. Maybe once all of this court stuff is over with we can begin to start that process, maybe not. I just know that I can't allow myself to grieve for you until that part of all this is over. For my own sanity, I hope it is soon.
I love you B with all of my heart and I miss you more than I can ever put into words. I hope you know just how much you are loved. You will NEVER be forgotten.
mom's day / Donna (mom)
mornin babe, how do i emjoy mothers day with out my baby? the tears never stop i miss you so much life just isn't the same and never will. the pain hasn't eased in 7 months it never will. i still feel robbed and always will, its not fair. there is no justice in this world 6 months thats it ii better go berfore i say something that affends someone Close
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